I remember walking into Church…my first day back since I had lost my path…lost sight of my faith…lost sight of my relationship with God…lost hope. I knew this was going to be an emotional day, because it was as if God called me to church himself. The title of the series we were learning about was titled, “Good God”. Everything in this series revolved around the notion that God’s intentions for us are good, and that he loves us. We may not understand why things are happening in our lives, but we have to remember that everything is meant to be as it is, there is a purpose.
As our pastor was reminding me of how much God loved me, I began to recall the hurt I had been feeling months before, and how I lost my way with my faith. Rick and were using ovulation tests every month, reading healthy eating habit books, started taking vitamins, and cutting back on all the good food and drinks. After all this effort, and doing everything “right”, I was met with a negative pregnancy test over, and over, and over again. The onset of cramps made me want to hibernate like a bear, hide in my room and cry for days. I began to loath the ovulation tests sitting in my bathroom drawer. Every morning when I would open the drawer to access my hair products, they were there…mocking me. Each passing month with no baby was pushing me into a dark state of mind, where I began to slowly question God, and why he would ever make me suffer like this?!?!? I didn’t feel loved by him at all during that time. However, it was our Sunday tradition to meet my in-laws at our church in Genesee, and I continued to go. I will never forget the Sunday after I had closed the door on my faith. My mother-in-law met my husband and I at our house and she drove up with us. I sat in the front seat, and I remember the knot in my throat the entire time. I wanted to burst into tears, and I didn’t think I was strong enough to hold it in. With each passing mile it was becoming more and more difficult to hold everything in. I was being pulled up the mountain to spend time with God and be consumed with my faith…when I no longer had any. It was torture. We pulled up to the parking lot and went inside; I was quiet. My husband went to grab a coffee and a bagel off to the side of the massive entry way. I was standing there with my mother-in-law, and I just looked at her, and broke down. The tears came like a flood, everything I was holding in was pouring out of me, and I just told her “I can’t do this. I can’t be here.” She hugged me and walked me out of the building. I was spiraling out of control and I knew we needed to do something. The doctors appointments came shortly after this incident. My faith didn’t return for several months.
I snapped out of my memory when I heard our pastor using economic terms. He was using the law of diminishing return as an example for investing energy. The premise of this law is that you put more energy/money towards an investment than what you receive in return. The example went further to depict a father working constantly in order to make money for his family. He spends so much of his energy ensuring he can financially provide for his family, that he misses the time with them. He misses it so much that one day he ends up alone. The message here was, taking things too far, to the point of obsession, isn’t healthy, and can often be detrimental. I was taking my desire to be a mother too far…I was becoming obsessed, and therefore angry when I couldn’t will it to fruition. All of my energy was put towards getting pregnant naturally, and I wasn’t receiving any return on this investment. This was a wake up call for me; It was time for a new approach. I needed to be in the moment. I needed to look around me and SEE all of the wonderful blessings God gave me.
- A husband who loved me wholly
- My family
- My spirit, strength and mind
- My future…
I started living a life where I noticed the gifts in everything. I had great things to accomplish in the life ahead of me, and it was time to step out of the darkness, into the sunlight. Time for a change, and a new direction. Time to get acquainted with my faith.