“To create your tomorrow, go over your day tonight when you are in bed just before you fall asleep, and feel gratitude for the good moments. If there was something you wanted to happen differently, replay it in your mind the way you wanted it to go. As you fall asleep, say, “I will sleep deeply and wake up full of energy. Tomorrow is going to be the most beautiful day of my life.” – Daily Teachings day 27

It was Labor Day weekend, and our nurse called to update us on the growth of our embryos. Of the 22 eggs, 13 matured, 5 had made it to the blastocyst stage (this is the point of growth where the embryos can be frozen), 4 were still growing, and 4 did not survive. I instantly felt a twinge of sadness come over me that we lost four embryo’s, but I pushed it away to stay focused on the remaining nine. Embryologists use a grading system to identify the overall health of the embryo, and our nurse began to share what our grades were for each of the five embryos that reached blastocyst. Four were BB, and one was an AB. Rick asked, “why are there two letter grades?” Our nurse explained that the two grades represent two criteria that are observed during the cell growth. The first grade is representative of the inner cell mass, which is the ball of cells that will eventually become the fetus. The second grade represents the Trophectoderm Epithelium, which is a sheet of cells that grow to make the tissue of the placenta. Without both elements, a pregnancy would not be possible. My husband, being the engineer he is, asked why we didn’t have any embryos that were considered AA quality. The nurse told us that receiving a grade of A is very difficult, and about 80% of top grading of embryo’s earn a B. We were instantly relieved that what we had, according to our embryologist, were five very good, healthy and strong embryos.

The next day we received a call to update us on the four remaining embryos that had not reached blastocyst. An embryologist named Hannah called me, and she sounded very somber when she said, “I’m calling regarding the remaining four embroys.” I was upbeat and ready to hear how many made it to the cryo-preservation stage. Hannah said, “all four have stopped growing.” I thanked her for the call and hung up. I was in shock. I wasn’t prepared for this news. It was as if I had suffered the loss of four children – as crazy as that may sound to some.

Rick took me to dinner that evening. We weren’t together when the embryologist called me earlier in the day. I was very quiet, and just in my head trying to process the news we had received only a few hours ago. Rick asked, “what is going on in that head of yours?” I looked at him and began to feel the lump growing in my throat, and the tears welling in my eyes. I told him I just wasn’t ready for the news we received today. In some way, in my mind, those were our babies that we lost earlier today. We lost a total of eight embryos. The beginning of eight little versions of me and my husband, who we would never meet. I told Rick that I was not discounting the wonderful news that we had five healthy embryos that made it to the cryo-preservation stage, but I needed a moment to process and grieve the ones we lost.

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